Domestic abuse isn't only physical. It's being controlled — what you wear, who you see, what you spend, what you believe you're allowed to want. It's being isolated from family, monitored constantly, or made to feel that everything wrong in the relationship is somehow your fault. It's threats and intimidation, financial control, and yes, it's also physical and sexual harm. None of it is made acceptable by who it comes from, and none of it is deserved.
Nothing in this deen sanctions cruelty inside a marriage or a family. "Live with them in kindness" is the Qur'an's own instruction, and the Prophet ﷺ said the best among us are the best to their families. Anyone who uses religion to justify controlling or harming you is misusing it, not practising it.
What it can look like
Physical
- Hitting, pushing, biting, burning, choking, or having objects thrown at you
- Being pressured or forced into sexual activity you didn't want
Mental & emotional
- Constant fear of a partner's or family member's reactions
- Feeling like you're walking on eggshells in your own home
- Being made to believe you're the cause of how you're treated
- Belittling, humiliation, or being isolated from people who care about you
Changes in behaviour
- Messages, movements, or friendships being monitored or restricted
- Money, spending, or access to your own income being controlled
- Threats — to hurt you, someone you love, or themselves — used to keep you compliant
- Constantly changing your own behaviour to avoid a reaction
Why it happens
Domestic abuse is about power and control, not a normal relationship conflict that's simply gone too far. It can happen in any relationship — married or not, any background or income level — and it usually escalates gradually enough that it can be hard to name while you're inside it. Recognising the pattern, even quietly to yourself first, is often the real first step.
From the Quran
حَسْبُنَا اللَّهُ وَنِعْمَ الْوَكِيلُ
“Allah is sufficient for us, and He is the best Disposer of affairs.”
3:173
Things you can try
Do
- Tell someone — a friend, family member, GP, or an imam you trust — even just naming it out loud can be the hardest and most important step
- If it's safe to, save the National Domestic Abuse Helpline number somewhere private: 0808 2000 247 (run by Refuge, free, 24/7)
- If you're a man experiencing abuse, the Men's Advice Line is 0808 801 0327
- If you're LGBT+, Galop's helpline is 0800 999 5428
- Talk to Women's Aid or a local domestic abuse service before making any decisions about leaving — they can help you plan safely
Don't
- Don't blame yourself — abuse is a choice made by the person doing it, never something you caused
- Don't assume you need "enough" evidence, or a big enough incident, before it counts or before you can ask for help
- Don't try to plan or leave without support if it's unsafe — leaving is often the most dangerous moment, and safety planning with a specialist service matters
What does this bring up for you today?